Ruben Skyjuice (Captain Crazy)

Dear Reader.

Mytholmroyd's neighbouring town is Hebden Bridge. It is famous amoung other things for having the highest ratio lesbians in the country, for being the fourth funkiest town in Europe and for having one of the highest number of UFO sightings in Britain. Because of the general popularity for crystal readings, aura cleansing, pseudo-budhism (ignoring the bits that tell you to give up your possessions and stop ingesting addictive substances) and any other form of religion that involves spending lots and lots of money, the Hebden Bridge Times horoscope takes on a whole new level of crazy with the writings of "Ruben Skyjuice the wealthiest astrologist and healer in Hebden Bridge".


His predictions range from the creepily specific; 


Pisces


"Excessive grooming of your eyebrows
-plucking shaping and shaving
-has left you looking permanently surprised. 
This apparent amazement at 
everything, no matter how tedious, 
confuses friends and colleagues this week. 
Except during your visit to the safari 
park on Wednesday when you are 
genuinely "surprised" by a silverback Gorilla."


to the down right mental


Aquarius


"With the dawning of the Age of
Aquarius now safely behind us, by
A few weeks, it is time for you to go
out in the world and begin to lead 
your deciples to the Golden Dawn.
Start right here in Todmorden by 
walking the streets in your golden
robes and drawing your followers
close, pied-piper like, before 
marching down the valley singing
joyous songs and dancing a crazy jig,"

You may think this is mad (or you may even think I'm making it up) but just think how brilliant it'll be if just one of the predictions come true. It takes allot to impress the Hebden Crowd so if you're going to make a prediction you've got to think big.

I once read a horoscope that started by saying "you never do as people tell you and you always think for yourself" so I stopped reading and put it back down.

by the way if anything in these predictions happens to any of you this week I will I don't know, buy you a cake, or perhaps help you fight the gorilla that surprises you.

http://www.hebdenbridgetimes.co.uk/news