Shit Writers Say (and a shameless plug)

Dear Reader.

This is a video from some of my friends from the Sheffield Hallam creative writing course. One of the actors is a poet called Will (he does do other stuff I hasten to add) who is doing a brilliant Blogg of his own called "Hello, internet :]", a link to which I will put at the bottom, please check it out, he is considerably better than me at film reviews (as well as being just, simply a much nicer person in general) and because he's a poetry writer he publishes allot of his work.

I have to say this video is slightly too close to reality its scary. I sniff books and there was controversy in our group when someone wrote a poem that had 14 lines and called it a sonnet even though its not in iambic pentameter or had the right amount of syllables and had the nerve to say that "there are no rules in poetry." I have to stop writing now because I'm having flashbacks.

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIT 10 SYLABLES INTO A LINE!!! AAAAAGH!!!

Okay Joseph. Calm down.

I have said or have heard another writer say almost every example given in this video. Though I do agree that I want to be just like JK Rowling be a 47 year old mother of three with a husband called Neil. (Thank you Wikipedia)



(http://hell0internet.wordpress.com/) here's Will's blogg!!!

Brandon Generator (among other things)

(http://www.brandongenerator.com/) <- Brandon Generator website.

Dear Reader.

Do you ever feel there are slightly too many stories where the main characters are writers with no money and/or writers block? If you're looking for a really good one I recommend "Keep the Aspidistra Flying" by George Orwell if you can read it and still want to be a writer then there's a chance studying to be a writer won't break your spirit and destroy your life. Anyway I digress, it kind of makes sense that they would. If you believe you have nothing to write about start, by writing about a character who believes he has nothing to write about.

Brandon Generator is one of the odder ones I've seen (web address at the top) it kind of reminds me of this writer called "Ben Moor" in it's ability to play with words and I think its narrated by the guy from "The Mighty Boosh" (look them up they're funny and weird). The idea was that people saw the episode every week and then they'd send in their ideas as to how the story would continue (there was a similar idea on BBC 7/Radio 4extra (depending on your era) called "Chain Gang" which I recommend you keep an eye out for) and like many things in life I've only discovered it quite a while after it was popular. If hipsters really want to avoid being mainstream the answer is not to be cutting edge and pretend to be the leaders of the mainstream instead it is better to remain loyal to things and rediscover things even after mainstream has finished playing with them. There speaks the voice of the youngest of three.

Looking back on this post I kind of realise that for everything it does I can find something else that has already done it and I don't know what that means. Does that make it bad? No. I enjoyed all these things pretty much equally. What it does mean though that I have an annoying mind that can remember these things and recognise them as recycled pasterns and point them out to me before I have the chance to enjoy it but on the plus side I have just manage to cover this post as one giant Amazon "If you enjoy this bit then you might enjoy this" style review of something that I found genuinely entertaining. The good thing about talking to you through the internet is that you already have at your finger tips the largest referencing system in the history of the world. I can say that one of the few things I know in Latin is "nolite te bastardes carborundorum" and that I first heard it in a book called "The Handmaid's Tale" and if you're intrigued you can go look it up without it being a problem.

This is Ben Moor if you're intrigued

A very socialist ceremony.

Dear Reader.

Okay I accept it the Olympic ceremony was very good (I loved the "petal cauldron")  and I'd probably agree with the way it was focused. I would agree that the industrial revolution, the NHS, children's literature, British music, radio, TV and comedy, multiculturalism and the inventor of the internet fit into the categories of "important to British history" or "something that the British people are actually proud of" and it never went too cheesily obvious which was one thing I was worried about.

I thought it was a good idea to start with the industrial revolution because though  it essentially destroyed the environment (the mill owners were definitely the baddies of the piece) this period probably was the start of what could be called "Modern Britain" with the increase of income and population growth it increased the amount of free time and started what became the "middle class" (if you believe such a thing exists) with the idea that you could become rich rather than just inheriting it, not to mention the rise of such things as women's suffrage, free healthcare and universal education. All in all I was pleased to see it was a very socialist opening ceremony (especially in the light of a conservative government) and I'm very happy to see that a Tory MP has already complained about it
(http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/jul/28/olympics-opening-ceremony-multicultural-crap-tory-mp?newsfeed=true)
and then got in trouble for it (HA HA HA). But I think its expected that it would feel a little Labour/Socialist positive because the things it has brought are, well, worth celebrating (if nothing else its surprising that it works as well as it does).

I'm always a bit careful careful about dismissing these things a just a shiny bauble to keep people happy and quiet  because lets face it I want to become a writer (an artist of sorts). Making shiny baubles is what I'm going to be doing. I mean sometimes writers try to make a serious and complicated point and some even introduce ideas that change the world (on their good days) but really when it comes down to it's all a distraction from the monotony of everyday life and the inevitability of death. Its what they do, and it should be. The distractions are important. Distractions like, music, film, computer games and drink are fun and often beautifully so.

Say what you like about the Olympics this is one kick ass advert

Music by Elbow

Dear Reader.

I keep hearing people (mostly from other countries, American Mitt Romney for example.) saying that British people are really negative and critical and "unpatriotic" about the games and worrying that its all going to be too expensive and don't get me wrong its all true but I would argue that that's what being British is all about. We come together the most as a country when things go embarrassingly wrong for example today there was this thing where bells were being rung across the country from church bells to cow bells and there was someone there from the Olympic comity saying that everyone was so well prepared that nothing could go wrong and mid ring his hand-bell fell to pieces. My entire family cheered.

About the thinking about it being an economic, artistic, logistical balls up. Just because we think about it doesn't mean it will. I bet every country worries about this stuff but they never admit it, if the Britain is anything its a country of realists. We aproach patriotism with a sense of mistrust partly because we know the things that are recognised as "typically British" that always go with enforced patriotism are A) shit and B) not really enjoyed by the British (a lot of the time we eat fish and chips out of necessity not really for enjoyment).

The Masterson Inheritance

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Dear Reader.


I always find that comedians, are at their best when they're trying to make other comedians laugh and this format of making up an entire story on the spot leaves allot of intentional misinterpretation that's just brilliant especially since they never quite want to do what the narrator wants of them. I have BBC Radio 4extra to thank for my interest in this program (which actually finished when I was about three) who have been bringing many of these series back from the grave for people like me to enjoy. There are of course many copies of it on YouTube if you care to look.http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b007jstr/The_Masterson_Inheritance_Series_1_The_Sweat_of_the_Mastersons/

Update.

Dear Reader.

I went to see my mum today. They'd done the operation and she seemed okay pretty zonked out but apart from that good. She's probably going to be all right. I told my dad that I'd been worried, because I thought he might not be able to spot it.

Sometimes I wish I could be less of a Vulcan (or a robot). I hardly ever cry when I'm sad and worse I don't know what to do when other people are crying and I feel terrible and I feel helpless for that because other people do, and it isn't just a man/woman thing either my dad's job is to be good at that and I can't. Sometimes I'm too cold, too separate. I'm self-aware enough to realise this but not enough to stop myself. I view everything I do in hindsight, and live constantly in regret.

Dear Reader.

Dear Reader.


My Mum is going into hospital tomorrow and they're going to do an operation and I know that the chances are nothing will go wrong but I'm scared. I know that something could happen. So if you could please either pray for her or keep that in mind for the next few days or what ever I think that might help me to know.


I probably won't be bogging as much until its all over, because I kind of feel like the future is uncertain untill it is all over, if you know what I mean. I usually have some sort of sense of what I'm going to do next week and the week after that and if something goes wrong that will be different.

Meanwhile on British television.

Dear Reader

I find these things so you don't have to.

Ruben Skyjuice (Captain Crazy)

Dear Reader.

Mytholmroyd's neighbouring town is Hebden Bridge. It is famous amoung other things for having the highest ratio lesbians in the country, for being the fourth funkiest town in Europe and for having one of the highest number of UFO sightings in Britain. Because of the general popularity for crystal readings, aura cleansing, pseudo-budhism (ignoring the bits that tell you to give up your possessions and stop ingesting addictive substances) and any other form of religion that involves spending lots and lots of money, the Hebden Bridge Times horoscope takes on a whole new level of crazy with the writings of "Ruben Skyjuice the wealthiest astrologist and healer in Hebden Bridge".


His predictions range from the creepily specific; 


Pisces


"Excessive grooming of your eyebrows
-plucking shaping and shaving
-has left you looking permanently surprised. 
This apparent amazement at 
everything, no matter how tedious, 
confuses friends and colleagues this week. 
Except during your visit to the safari 
park on Wednesday when you are 
genuinely "surprised" by a silverback Gorilla."


to the down right mental


Aquarius


"With the dawning of the Age of
Aquarius now safely behind us, by
A few weeks, it is time for you to go
out in the world and begin to lead 
your deciples to the Golden Dawn.
Start right here in Todmorden by 
walking the streets in your golden
robes and drawing your followers
close, pied-piper like, before 
marching down the valley singing
joyous songs and dancing a crazy jig,"

You may think this is mad (or you may even think I'm making it up) but just think how brilliant it'll be if just one of the predictions come true. It takes allot to impress the Hebden Crowd so if you're going to make a prediction you've got to think big.

I once read a horoscope that started by saying "you never do as people tell you and you always think for yourself" so I stopped reading and put it back down.

by the way if anything in these predictions happens to any of you this week I will I don't know, buy you a cake, or perhaps help you fight the gorilla that surprises you.

http://www.hebdenbridgetimes.co.uk/news

Lego

Dear Reader.

this is what happens when you leave me alone with Lego. My dad bought about fifty grey Lego ladders for some sermon illustration he's got planned and unfortunately he left them out on the side...
...
I have a serious problem.

I've been rationing myself to about a jar full of lego at uni because I know if I brought any more than that with me, I would never stop.

Did you know that Lego supports the national autistic society? Which is wonderfully appropriate.

The story about the Nun on the stage.

Dear Reader.

My Dad told me about this thing about a nun who'd been told that she was to do a dramatic performance for a big alternative worship service for some of the local churches. She was told to do a monologue from the point of view of the virgin Mary talking to Elizabeth (the mother of John). She was a little uncertain but she knew allot about the story and she fairly well known for being well practised in story telling already. Some nuns are good at singing, some at teaching, some at charity work, she told great stories, it was her gift. So she said yes. So on the night of the service she walked out on the stage in front of the big crowd, slumped down in her chair and waited for silence. When silence came she spoke. Without introduction or explanation she sighed angrily and said the following words

"Our Jesus 'as been a right little bugger lately..."

HATS!!!

Dear reader.

This is my new hat. For the summer I will be wearing this. I wear trilbies, though I only have two of them 

here they are!!!

And I don't really have clothes that matches them. I know they look stupid dear reader. That's why I wear them. I'm however I'm not really sure why I want to look stupid. Perhaps perhaps for fun,  perhaps for a writer's uniform, perhaps to look like an "individual" (though I shudder at the thought of trying to be an individual. YOU ARE ONE), perhaps its to stand out and get noticed, perhaps the opposite perhaps I want to be ignored  people to look at my hat rather than the rest of me or to drive them away by  looking a little bit mental.

I don't know. I enjoy wearing them though and my winter one can be  quite practical, it keeps your head very dry in the rain.

Weeds.

Dear Reader.

Me and my dad were standing in a grave yard the other day. It was just that my dad had something to do that meant he needed to go to the church on the grave yard's land and I enjoy hanging round graveyards (its a hazard of being a vicars kid that you get used to death, I even know what hymns I want at my funeral. I don't know what hymns I want for my wedding... I'm not sure what that means). Every way we walked in this grave yard there were weeds everywhere. Trees, shrubs, balsom, flowers and grass grew up between the stones and vines and moss sometimes engulfed the stones entirely. And I kind of felt wierd about it firstly because I felt sad that any of the people underground were entirely forgotten and were never to be mourned because now, no one could actually see who the graves were occupied by. And secondly because I realised with a little element of the macabre that every single tree, plant, bird, fly and ant were probably grown and fed from the bodies that lay beneath the ground. Then I wondered if it would be better to keep the weeds after all. It would remind people.

Narrow-bordered Five-spot Burnet.

I think I saw one of these in the grave yard, its a moth not a butterfly (and no I didn't take the picture). Its quite beautiful isn't it?

The Amazing Spiderman Movie

Dear Reader.

I went to see "The Amazing Spiderman" today, with my dad, and I was pleasantly surprised. All round really the film couldn't be flawed. I had some misgivings about the "restart" of a well established franchise that had kind of fizzled out, leaving only a slightly ludicrous final film, and then I remembered these five words, "Batman Begins and Star Trek" and after that it all made sense.

Walking Without Windows

Dear Reader.

I would have written a post filled with self hatred, boredom and on wee, there exists a draft of this which is just that but before I sent it I went for a walk. I walked nowhere in particular I just found that I had been in the house too long and needed to be somewhere else. I know nothing about Mytholmroyd (my home town) I've probably spent more time exploring Sheffield this year than I have Mytholmroyd my whole life. I travel through Mytholmroyd I arrive in places in Mytholmroyd but I never really explore Mytholmroyd. I don't look at it. I see Mytholmroyd through the windows of my parents car or the windows of my parents house. I'm either standing still and see the same unchanging space or I'm moving too fast to see anything at all. And either way I live in silence. I block out the outside world. People need, I need, to see the world at walking speed. Without windows without headphones just to remove the buffers and experience the world I live in. Because when I get trapped I get bored and when I get bored I can't be bother to get out so I get trapped.

Waiting for Godot while waiting for tea.

Dear Reader.

standing in a dark kitchen lit by a microwave oven. I wait for my tea to warm and rotate and watch "Waiting for Godot".

The story is a mystery. Not a story about a mystery but all the way through you literally have no idea what the characters are doing, what they're going to spend the 2 hours (or so) doing and you don't know how its going to end.

I have to watch this play for my course next year I'm doing "modern drama" so I decided to look it up on YouTube bite the bullet and sit down and watch the bloody thing and I quite like it. I don't think I could bare to read it or bare to sit through a poorly made production but then again I don't think I could bare reading or sitting through a poor version of hamlet.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to find it as funny as I do, but its only half way through.



This is the version I'm watching. If you care.

The Old Road (More from the Man in Black)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00p4klw/The_Man_in_Black_Series_2_The_Old_Road/- The Man in Black - Series 2 The Old Road


Dear Reader.
this is from the Mark Gatiss version of "The Man in Black" he did very well in the role. Really creepy series, there are still some episodes I won't ever watch, I won't even share the zombie episode (Flesh) you'd be surprised what can be accomplished without any pictures. The sound of gore, the whisper of terror, the scrape of unease. I've heard someone say in horror films its always the monster you can't see which is the most scary, the monster in the darkness, the movement at the corner of your eye, the cold breath of air at your back, and when you turn you find, nothing. Imagine how scary it is when you can't see anything at all.

This is one of my favourites. Maybe you shouldn't listen to this if you're about to go driving at night. Or maybe you should...

Good night...

Practising

Dear Reader.

Today I'd like to talk about Christianity, homosexuality and the word "Practising". For ages now there's been some talk over who is slowed to become a vicar recently there's been a thing in the church of England over whether there should  be women bishops. But the big one as I'm sure you know is over whether should be  gay/lesbian vicars and some Churches have let them in.
"Brilliant" we say "what a move forward into the modern world this is for the church".
"Yes" the says some Churches "as long as they aren't 'practising'."

"Gay but not practising." now what does that mean?
What, "I would've been gay but I couldn't bother putting in all the hours of practice?"
Its a strange word.

As far as I can tell it means that they're allowed to be sexually or romantically attracted to people of the same sex but they're not allowed to have sex with them. Simple, you may think, a bit of a cop out, most people would argue that 'sex' is quite an important part of the word 'sex'uality in the same way eating vegetables is an important part of the word 'veget'arian so it doesn't really make sense to say someone is allowed to be gay but they aren't allowed to have sex. But it's also a bit of a weird word word because you find yourself wondering what doesn't count as practising, what doesn't count as 'sex' for that matter? when does touching and kissing become sex? I'm not going to go too much detail, in fact I am literally asking a question. Just spend a day or two thinking it over. I expect your answer with examples from both genders and a labelled diagram (just kidding).

Maybe its good that the word "practising" is there. It'll probably keep the nutters happy believing that they're still in control but its just ambiguous enough that it could allow space for them to actually do quite a lot.

The Christian Church's way of keeping people happy is by looking like they've made a decision or perhaps a certain decision when they probably haven't. Maybe they wanted "Practising" priests but they knew people would be pissed or maybe they actually didn't.

"My Guilty Pleasure" (I am Dave [exclamation mark] Yognaut and I have the balls!!!)

The Animated Version

The Original

Dear Reader.


The yogscast is one of my guilty pleasures I find them really funny, especially their Mine Craft series. And though you may be thinking "well it could be worse" I can tell you what makes it worse is I have never played a single minute of MineCraft ever, in my entire life, not a single second logged on this game, I do not own a copy and yet thanks to their videos I probably know more about this game and subsequent games that they've done (portal for example) that I could probably accuse someone else who plays the game, of being a Noob. Perhaps its their charm and wit, perhaps its the fact that when they play they never really take it seriously, perhaps its that at one point in my life I was a gamer too and I'd like to keep in touch with my nerd heritage but either way, I try to never miss a single episode, and there are hundreds of them.


I don't like the phrase "guilty pleasure" anyway, I shouldn't really use it, because, when people say their guilty pleasures its always something that wouldn't make someone that guilty. Its always, "spaghetti hoops, ABBA music and soap operas", not "crystal meth, chronic masturbation and child pornography".

All that person is saying when they tell you their "guilty pleasures is "these are the things that I do that are on the border of being taboo, these are the things that I almost feel guilty about but feel innocent enough that I'm willing to talk about them." Ultimately it tells you very little about the deep down darkness of their lives and the things they actually feel guilty about.

The Men That Will Not Be Blamed For Nothing.

Dear Reader.
I woke up with this song on my head. Its from "The Steampunk Album That Cannot Be Named for Legal Reasons" it was orrigionally called "now that's what I call steam punk" but they were sued for the use of the words "Now that's what I call..."
Very punk.


Its probably one of the few bands where I first saw the lead singer/guitarist as a stand up comedian. Andrew O'Neil is a Post-modern, Transvestite, Dark Magic, Satanist, Comedian and he's really funny.

The Big Society.

Dear  Reader.

This is really cleverly done. Really scary. Really...persuasive.

Robin Ince

Dear Reader.


I'm going to see this guy in a tent, at this Liberal Christian arts festival called "Greenbelt" in Cheltenham near the end of the holidays (some call it liberal we call it "sane"). I'm really excited about it, partly because of this but also I really want to go back there its brilliant. Its my home its my happy place and even if it meant staying in tent all my life I would stay there forever if I could.

The Most Mysterious Picture in my Facebook page

Dear Reader.

What the hell am I looking at!?

This is a very old photo and I would be willing to invent the time machine, go back in time and go and find that cafe just to find out what caused me to have such a worried face, though knowing my luck, it would be the sound of the time machine arriving that caused the worried face in the first place.

Walking

Dear Reader.

Sometimes I feel like I just want to start walking and keep going and just see see where I end up.

false synergism

Dear Reader

"All men have bollocks, all men talk, therefore all men talk bollocks." - Joe Brand.

The Joke About the Two Nuns (not that one)

Dear Reader.

Two Nuns are in a car driving through Transylvania a night. The wind is blowing, the rain is falling, the sky is thunderous and suddenly as if out of nowhere a vampire swoops down onto and lands directly on the car bonnet. The skids to a stop.
The younger of the two Nuns is in a panic "what shall we do, what shall we do?" she says.
the older nun says, "quick show him your cross."
So the younger Nun shouts, "GET OFF THE BLOODY CAR YOU TOOTHY GIT!!!"

Now you may be wondering why I'm telling you this story but, my dad (who I mentioned a while ago was a vicar) in his first ever sermon at his new church, at St. Michael's, Mytholmroyd, told that joke.

And no one laughed.

I think they thought he was making a serious point.

The Dictator

Dear Reader.


A dictator lying on his death bed was asked by the priest whether he forgives his enemies, because, if he does, then he will be forgiven too and he'll go to heaven.

The dictator was silent for a moment, carefully considering this question. Then finally he took a deep rasping breath and, gathering the last of his strength, he answered with this one last sentence. 

"I have no enemies. I've had them all shot."

Live and World Wide...Apparently.

Dear Reader.

It turns out that you, Dear Reader, might be reading this in a completely different country. Apparently I have readers in Russia, Germany and the US. Which is fucking weird, but I shall carry on regardless.

Ray Bradbury

Dear Reader.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00tf9pp/Stories_of_Ray_Bradbury_All_Summer_in_a_Day_and_The_Fog_Horn/

More brilliance from Mr Bradbury "All Summer in a Day" and "The Fog Horn"

A Good Man Goes to War

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b011rf7y/Doctor_Who_Series_6_A_Good_Man_Goes_to_War/

Dear Reader.

this by far is my favourite Doctor Who episode. So many brilliant lines. Such an epic battle. Such a brilliant ending.

Away we go.

Dear Reader.

I watched this today, its one of my favourites (my absolute favourite would probably be "its a wonderful life" but there's a time and a place) I watch it at uni when I feel lonely, sad and homesick. We all need films like that.

It's got a bloody brilliant sound track from Alexi Murdoch too.

"The Tape Face Tapes" from the boy with tape on his face

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p00v5jlz/The_Tape_Face_Tapes/

the boy with tape on his face was around allot during the Edinburgh Fringe last year if you've seen him already this is more of his surreal and slightly unnerving brand of street mime if you liked it before you'll like this too. If you haven't seen him before this is a good place to start.

Lucid Nightmare.

Dear Reader.

I think near the end of one of my dreams last night I conjured a zombie into existence just so it would kill me so I would wake up. The real question is why didn't I just wake up or if I was that bored why didn't I just start dreaming about something else? Why did I think "I'm bored of this now. I'm going to send something  to kill me"? It was in context too, it was a story in which I was preparing for a zombie attack with some other survivors and I thought of the most obvious resolution.

The 99%

Dear Reader.

there's this little movement that's started recently, in the occupy camps and stuff, called "The 99%" and like a lot of political movements the whole thing kind of stinks of hypocrisy. Its based on the statistic that in the world around 1% of the population controls 99% of all the wealth and "come the revolution" the 99% will rise up and, essentially, crush them. Now, the real problem is the people who believe in "The 99%" always think that they are part of it. The chances are if you have your own computer (which is probable since you're reading this), have the use of regular electricity and plumbing, have your own car (it doesn't matter which), have your own clean drinking water and are able to vote democratically, your already way more richer and luckier than allot of people who live in the world today.

If you can't accept that you're part of the 1% then what about the top 10, top 20%. Do you really think you're that poor? this is the problem with most political movement or revolutions is that they're all led by the  educated middle class. the moment you know what the petit bourgeois means or you join the socialist student movement at your university you are already part of the petit bourgeois.

I'm not fooling myself I've always been a hypocrite.

What Follows is an extract from Joseph Allison's big bag of crap.

Dear Reader.

I'm feeling a bit depressed at the moment. Its that time of the day. What follows probably shouldn't be taken seriously. What you're witnessing is me at my worst.

I don't think I'm what you'd call a natural writer.

There are some people (on my course at uni in fact) where you look at them you talk to them, you hear about their upbringing and you hear about how much they work and you find yourself thinking "you are supposed to be a writer. Thank god you didn't squander your obvious writeriness somewhere else". You look at me, you talk to me, you hear about my upbringing and you think "you are supposed to be...an accountant" or, on the worst of days "a future psychopath" or in some cases "a smug-faced twat who's going to sponge off his parents until they die, after which you'll go on to die unloved and uncared for" (that would all have to be hyphenated of course). Maybe its the sheltered upbringing, maybe its my disabilities (that are really just short hand for being a slow-witted weirdo, but, rather annoyingly, never in a good way). Dyslexia, dyspraxia and wavering levels on the autistic spectrum don't exactly point to career that involves reading, writing and a deep understanding of how people's minds work. I remember talking to a learning support woman about my choices for a levels and as soon as she heard what I had she said "are you going to be doing maths? Or science. Something like that I bet..."
I was good at maths, and science and I would have gone on to do very well I think. They were easy.
Statistically I should be a statistician.
If you do the math, I should have done maths.


Because I'm not a natural writer I have to try very hard just to be a half decent one.
But I do.
Maybe that's what makes the difference.

Congratulations its a...Ukulele?

Dear Reader.

I spent the last two days making this. I bought a kit for 50 quid or something stupid like that and I really enjoyed making it. Probably more than I will when I'm playing it (it sounds just terrible, I'm pretty sure I know what's wrong with it). Did you know I got a B in resistant materials GCSE? I got an A in the course work. I miss making solid things. Solid things have a clear point. A table is successful if it holds things up, a clock face either looks like clock face or it doesn't. this looks like a ukulele and its all the right length so its successful. All this writing and poetry and story telling stuff its all subjective and its difficult to know even when its finished.

O Children.

I've had this song on my head all the way through last fortnight (its been a bad fortnight).

It has some beautiful lyrics and I now know how to play it on the guitar (that's right I'm becoming a guitar douche).

My fortnight spent an unpleasant world.

Dear Reader.


Sorry, I've been away for about a two weeks now but now everything should be all back to normal. I've been on jury duty and since I'm not allowed to talk about the trial/trials I was on (good god I'm even editing about that) I'd spend too much time working out what, of my six hours a day I spent at court, I was allowed to talk about. There are some things I can tell you though.


The first is this. It's tedious. Almost by definition. Jury duty is a large room of people desperately trying not to talk about the most interesting thing they've heard that week.


The second is that its incredibly unpleasant. You enter an unpleasant world where people do things so terrible that if someone is found guilty of committing them then society chooses to remove their most basic human rights. You would almost hope that the things that they did were things you wouldn't want to hear about.


The third is that people lie. its a world where one party says that things happened one way and another party says that it happened another way and only one party can be found right therefore if one is right then the other isn't and is lying and if you pick the wrong one then you've done something terrible.
If the person is guilty and they go free then a horrible human being has gone unpunished and is potentially free to carry on committing their crimes until they are caught again. If they are innocent and they are imprisoned then a, if not "good" then at least normal human has been unjustly punished for no good reason. Both are terrible and every person in that court room and in that jury are, to a certain extent guilty of something, but they will never know if they were right or wrong. And they shouldn't. All they can say is that they tried.


The fourth is this. I don't ever want to talk about it. If you ask me I'll say I can't tell you and if I could I wouldn't. it is not something you brag about, nor is it something you think "oh good this'll make a good story one day" before you even suggest that.


The fifth is something I'd imagine you can already guess. I don't want to do jury duty ever again. I didn't enjoy it, it isn't fun in any way, in fact it's the opposite of fun, its incredibly serious. However I do think it was important that I did do it, I don't regret it, it taught me allot about the way things worked.


I didn't need to go on jury duty to be able to tell you these things if you'd thought about it long enough you'd be able to work it all out for yourself but this is all I'm going to say about it.